I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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