Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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