The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
