I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Im part way to drunk.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
