the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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