i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
17 year olds will be the death of me.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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