Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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