the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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