We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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