I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
