Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
