4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
