I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
