I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
