i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
