I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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