just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
