Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
