The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
