One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
