I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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