i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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