someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
My ATM looks so different sober.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
