I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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