I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
