i was rollin on her like bob the builder
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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