i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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