A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
