apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
