I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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