I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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