i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
