2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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