he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
