my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
