just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize