I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
