Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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