I just pynch a tree in the face
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Even the bartender felt bad for me
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
