Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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