If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Randomize
