shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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