between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
