I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
