I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
