If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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