I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
