when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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