Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
