Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
