No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
