just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
